I know I haven’t wrote in a while. I’ve been much too busy trying to live what I believe than to have time to write about it!
I know I haven’t wrote in a while. I’ve been much too busy trying to live what I believe than to have time to write about it!
Today marks 5 years that have marched on since losing my mom.
5 years that have held lots of hard and beautiful times all mixed together, an ever growing sense of what a huge role a mom plays in your life, and how hard it can be when sorting through things when she’s no long there to talk to.
I’ve been asked before by people why God didn’t heal my mom and answer our prayers in the way we wanted. And often I’ve wondered the same myself, but I chose to trust that He knows better than I do, and take His promise to work all thing together for good to the bank! Lately I’ve mused on that a lot!
There were other dear people we knew that were sick with cancer also during that time, and God chose to heal them and it was beautiful and glorious! But He didn’t heal my mom physically. She died. Cancer slowly chocked out her life in the most painful and awful kind of way! Ultimately, she was healed perfectly in heaven and no longer suffers pain, but why didn’t God reach down from heaven and take her cancer away? I’m not God, so I can’t answer for Him… But the more I’ve thought about it lately, the more I think I might understand a glimpse into what heaven could see ahead at the time, and I couldn’t.
I used to think that when God answered our prayers miraculously for healing in someone’s life, especially physically from a disease, that was the greatest and most dramatic display of God’s power, glory and faithfulness. But what if it isn’t?! What if the way she died was actually a much larger display of God’s glory and faithfulness than if there had been a miracle and healing?
I think that staying faithful to God in horrific pain and suffering, and letting God still use you to battle in prayer for people in desperate need while you’re laying on your death bed, is actually a much greater miracle. To still give and love and serve others at a time when you can hardly even physically stand up or get out of bed is a much greater miracle!
My mom did not die without a miracle, she had a beautiful and glorious miracle of God pouring love through her life to others all the way to her very last breath!
How can it be that witnessing her dying inspire me, and so many others, to LIVE so much more fully?! Maybe because my mom did get a bigger, more amazing miracle… No not the kind we hoped for, but one much bigger!
I miss you more than words can say, Mama! Thanks for loving God and others with every fiber of your being, and for finishing strong! I’m sitting on your bench right now and wish more than anything that I could give you a huge hug and a kiss… You really were the best! 😘
It was a very cold December night and some nasty weather and ice forecasted to move in soon. We drove to the hospital because we were quite sure Caleb had appendicitis… Definitely bad timing being my brothers wedding was 2 days away! We got to the ER and there were tons of people there, some seeming like they needed to be there but most just seeming like they wanted an excuse to get out of the weather or get some attention. We got signed in and the lady told us it might be a while. We sat down and got ready to wait awhile.
After not long a couple in their 30’s that had the cutest little boy who was probably not older than 2 came and sat down across from us. He happily ate his goldfish crackers and giggled about stuff. Caleb laid his head on my lap and tried to find a comfortable position while I sat up and just had this waiting room of people to stare at for hours. I couldn’t help but keep noticing this couple and the little boy sitting across from us. I smiled at the little boy and he waved at me. His happy little innocence in this very unpleasant germ infested place cheered me up.
I couldn’t help but wonder what this couple who’s little boy melted my heart was here for. But as the minutes and hours ticked by I couldn’t help but notice how concerned the mom seemed to be. I don’t know if it was God or just the fact that I work around pregnant ladies all the time, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and wondering if she was in for something related to a miscarriage. The dad seemed concerned but he was trying not to think about whatever it was or at least not show it to anyone around him. Or maybe he just figured he needed to act like everything was fine to keep his little boy from being worried.
The hours ticked by and we both sat there waiting. Then out stepped a nurse and called out “Susan Roberts” in their very curt way. She jumped out of her seat as if she’d been on the edge of it the whole few hours we’d sat and never relaxed! I couldn’t help notice how worried, scared, and anxious she looked and I ask God to be with her and whatever was going on. My heart started to hurt for her as she walked back through the doors. I wondered if I would ever find out for sure what was going on or if this waiting room friend was gone for good.
A little while later they were escorted back to their seats across from us by the nurse and I could see that Susan was clearly trying to hold back tears and having a very hard time. After they were seated the nurse said “The report will take up to 2 hours to get back.” They both nodded their heads and the nurse walked away. I couldn’t help but be almost positive that she was indeed in because of something miscarriage related. She sat there biting back tears and trying to smile at her sweet little boy chattering away. Sometimes she would just look away and the tears would roll down her cheeks, my heart went out to her and all I could think was – somebody please just hug her, somebody please just hold her and be strong for her while she feels so weak! Her husband seemed busy with taking care of their little boy and like he just didn’t know what to do or say so he didn’t say anything. She just seemed so alone in her pain.
Finally after sitting there wondering why someone wasn’t hugging her or doing something to acknowledge her pain, it was like God spoke to me and said – Why don’t you be my hands and feet tonight and go hug her! I shook my head just thinking of how crazy that would seem! Two perfect strangers hugging in the middle of the packed ER! She would probably think I was crazy I told myself, she wouldn’t want me bothering her. But I knew deep down inside what I needed to do… I needed to be God’s hand and feet and Susan NEEDED someone to hug her or at least acknowledge her pain! I finally couldn’t take seeing her just sitting across from me sobbing anymore and I decided it was time to put away my worries of what she or anyone else might think of me. I walked the 6 long steps over to where she was sitting and told her I couldn’t help but overhear what the nurse said and asked her if she had come in because of a miscarriage, she said yes she had been having a lot of bleeding and they were afraid that the baby wasn’t okay anymore. I ask her if it was okay if I gave her a hug and she nodded. I couldn’t help but feel her pain so deeply! How I would feel if I was probably loosing a baby I had looked so forward to! My heart literally hurt for her and I started crying myself.
There in the middle of the Emergency Room packed with people, stood two perfect strangers hugging and balling their eyes out together over a little life so desperately wanted but maybe already gone. We were perfect strangers but somehow I felt her pain so deeply! We just stood there for a while hugging as the tears fell. I held her tight and her whole body almost seemed to go weak, in that moment she needed someone else to hold her up, to be strong for her when she was weak! In that moment it didn’t matter how weird we may have looked, it mattered that this sweet lady know that someone cared, someone felt her pain and she was not alone! In that moment of raw pain and tears with all our thoughts of pride and reputation put away, God gave us his presence of love and strength. He gave a little haven of strength and care in that very sterile, cold room. She told me thank you so very much and I told her I’d be praying for her and she sat back down.
Soon after that they were called back and then we were called back and I didn’t see them again. I wished so bad I could see her again and see how she was. I couldn’t get her off my mind and prayed for her as I sat up through the night waiting for Caleb’s testing and surgery etc. Now, months later I still can’t forget Susan, her pain, and her tears! I wish so bad I could somehow run into her again or had gotten her contact info to check up on her… but I didn’t. So I can just keep praying for this dear stranger who I came to care so much about in such a very short time, and who reminded me that God can come down and breath grace and strength into our painful situations when we put our pride and fear of people aside… Yes, even with a perfect stranger.
As you go about your life don’t get so distracted with the big things happening that you forget to keep your eye out and your heart soft to the strangers God might bring across your path. They may need to be hugged, prayed with, or shown that someone sees their pain and they are not alone!
So I’ve never shared links to other articles on my blog before. But since I’ve been on an extended break from social media I decided to share it with all of you here. 🙂
This article puts into words so many things I wanted to say and write down but just never could get out right.
“Yes, legalism still exists in those “right-wing” places the modern church has “progressed” beyond. But it also exists in skinny jeans and a Hebrew tattoo. It hides behind your Bethel Music and your electric guitar. It fills conversations with judgment and gracelessness, adding man’s requirements to a gospel of freedom – a freedom that includes both suits and skinny jeans.”
“Like tattoos were in yesteryear, the “telltale signs” of legalism draw a collective murmur from the modern church: long skirts, head coverings, the King James Version. And yet in condemning the people who practice these things, we do the very thing we claim to hate: judge by appearance. The truth? A head covering does not equal legalism. A long skirt, a suit, a KJV sermon – the Spirit of God can motivate such decisions with as much authenticity as the Anthropologie-clad girl on her YWAM mission. In confining God’s work to the limitations of an ideology, we don’t beat legalism – we become it.”
Below is the link to the entire article. I highly recommend reading it, it’s definitely worth your time and thought. 🙂
I’ve heard a lot about the great impact of the prayers of a mother. Do you think it’s because she’s the biological mother that God somehow listens to her prayers more? No, I think it’s because a godly mother will care so deeply about her child that she will pray with a passion and fervency that not many Christians have in their prayer life.
I think a child that has a godly, praying mother is one of the most blessed children ever! But what about all those children out there who don’t? What about the hundreds of children who have a mother that barely even takes care of them and only keeps them so she can get money from the system for them? Who will pray for them?
Two years ago on a warm sunny Monday afternoon at camp a little girl was dropped off at my cabin door. There she stood with a large black suitcase almost the size of her. She looked up at me with big blue eyes and said her name was *Sadie. I welcomed her into the cabin and introduced her to the other campers. We were doing baggage check so I asked her to open her suitcase. She opened the big black suit case and down at the bottom was a small pile of clothes that would fit into a grocery bag. She needed lots of different items for her week at camp and right away I knew this dear girl didn’t have a lot of responsible adults in her life. I proceeded to try to make pleasant conversation and asked her when her birthday was, she just quietly shrugged and said “I don’t know, we’ve never done birthdays.” I just said okay and tried not to act surprised so I wouldn’t make her feel bad. She said she was pretty sure she was 9.
The week was an amazing one and a week I will never forget! I connected fast with Sadie right from the beginning and she rarely left my side. She just wanted so bad for an adult to love her, to care, to notice, to say “good job!” She had a lot of deep questions for a 9 year old and wondered why God let bad things happen and she wondered why God let her parents make the choices they did that made her end up in the foster care system. One day while sitting down for a break I asked her if she had any heros or anyone she looked up to. She said she couldn’t really think of anyone in her life that she’d want to be like except her case worker, she said that she was always very nice to her and took her out to talk and do fun things sometimes and she liked that. She asked if I had people I looked up to and I kinda shifted in my chair thinking about how many, many good examples I had in my life and how many amazing people inspire me and I can look up to. I told her yes, I had quit a few and told her a bit about a few of my favorites. She smiled and said “Wow you know a lot of nice people!” I began to realize how blessed I am compared to so many and began to wish I could be that person to children who had no one to look up to.
The days flew by way too quickly and she spent most of her days on my back getting piggyback rides everywhere or hugging me. She was definitely making a spot for herself in my heart that would always be hers! I started wishing there was a way I could take her home. I was only 18 but all I knew was I wanted to somehow show this girl love and give her hope! Before I knew it, it was Friday morning and I knew in a few hours we’d have to say goodbye. I was so torn up at the thought of saying goodbye, how could I ever let her go. She hardly let me out of her sight that morning and said she didn’t want to go. Finally the dreaded time came for her to get in the van and leave. She hugged me so tight I thought I was going to fall over. She started sobbing and begging me “please don’t make me go, please let me come home with you, please please please adopt me!” I couldn’t take it any longer and stood there sobbing and said, “I’d love to take you home but I just can’t, I wouldn’t be allowed to take you home, it wouldn’t be legal.” She looked up at me with her big blue eyes in pools of tears and said, “well then promise you won’t forget me!” I promised her that and said I would pray for her and come visit if I could.
After we said goodbye that sunny afternoon, her face was forever imprinted in my memory and she took a piece of my heart. A day has hardly passed since that day that I haven’t found myself thinking about her. She’s written down in my prayer journal and I have done my best to pray for her every day since then. A few days she’s been on my mind so strongly that I just have to keep praying for her till I get peace. I never was able to work it out to go visit her in all the business of my life and it was extremely hard to stay in contact with her while she was bounced around to different homes. I was able to keep up with her some and about every 4-6 months we’d talk for a while on the phone.
I knew she made an unforgettable impression on me and I knew that I was called stand in the gap for her where she didn’t have a stable mother to love her and pray for her and lift her up to God. But what I didn’t know was that I had made a huge impression on her. I knew she liked me a lot and she obviously put effort into keeping my number as she was bounced around and often the number I had for her would no longer be working and I’d just have to wait for a day when she would call me.
Two years after saying one of the hardest goodbyes of my life, I got to see my dear Sadie again. I was up spending the day as an aunt at Camp David and desperately hoping and praying that Sadie would be there so I could see her again! But first I saw her sister Sara who had also came as a camper 2 years ago but was assigned to a different team. I was helping each of the girls pick out their dress for the princes dinner that night and in walked Sara and her team. I told her hi and asked if she remembered me. She looked at me for a second with a puzzled look then looked shocked and said “Are you Sadie’s Jo-Jo that she always talks about?” I said yes, I was Jo-Jo and Sara let out a gasp “Wow, Sadie is sure going to be excited to see you, she talks about you all the time! 2 Years ago when she got home from camp she wouldn’t come out of her room for 3 days and just cried her eyes out because she said she wanted to be with you and missed you!” I was taken back at how much this little girl loved me too! ❤
Not more than 20 minutes later I got to see my dear Sadie. She ran up to me and I wrapped her up in a big bear hug. I finally got to see the dear girl I’d prayed for daily and thought about so often! The whole rest of the day she wanted me to be with her every chance possible. It was the most amazing day to finally get to see again the dear girl that God had given me so much love for!
God laid that little girl on my heart two years ago and I’ve done my best to pray for her everyday and I intend to keep pray for her everyday! Sometimes I didn’t even know where she was living, but her face has been forever been etched in my mind, her picture has been the background of my computer screen the last 2 years, and her name is written places where I’ll notice it as I go about my day. If I don’t stand in the gap for Sadie then probably no one else will.
“Whether you have biological children or not, we are all spiritual mama’s to somebody and we can be praying single women, childless women, women with a quiver full of children, women who have never had any children. God has put us in the position of being warriors for children through prayer. And I think only when we’re finally in glory will we be able to meet the people we’ve been praying for steadfastly.”
What child do you know that needs a spiritual mama (Or spiritual dad for you guys reading)? Will you just think about it and then forget about it? Or will you stand in the gap for that child like they are your own, the one who is in desperate need of a spiritual mama, even if they never know that it’s you!
~ This post is dedicated to the many women who may never be thanked this side of eternity but have prayed and interceded for children not their own! ~
*Names changed for privacy
When Caleb and I were courting last year I asked many people for advice and what they thought was the most important thing in deciding who you would marry. Besides for being a Christian which of course is the most important. A lot of them said the same thing – marriage is work but if you marry someone kind you’ll never regret it! I of course had always wanted a kind guy, but kind was always on my list of 20 other things I wanted too. It seemed to go along with romantic, a gentleman, adventurous, determined etc. All those positive things that each person wishes their future spouse would be, but people are flawed humans and you’re never going to find everything you want (or think you want) in one person.
Over the next months I thought about their advice a lot. It seemed to make more sense to me and my priorities seem to be a little more clear. And I could definitely say that Caleb was one of the kindest guys I’d ever met! Then he asked me to marry under a full moon and I said yes, wedding planning was all a blur and we had a fairytale wedding. Everything fell into place on the day just like it was supposed to. We got married on the warmest day in February with sunshine and all! It was all a perfect dream.
But after we got married a lot of things did not go as planned. Caleb got mono and ended up in the hospital. He was sick and totally out for a few weeks about the time he was better I got sick and have been sick off and on the last month. I’m currently laying in the hammock feeling like puking trying to distract myself. We’re remodeling our house which hasn’t went exactly as planned. My house is currently a mess (I thought kids were to blame for making a house messy) there are piles of dishes waiting to be done and I forgot to make Caleb a lunch last night so I ran around this morning while coming down with the flu trying to throw a haphazard meal together for him to take. Did he complain that I forgot? Nope, he just said thank you so much and gave me a huge hug and a kiss like I’d just made him his favorite meal.
I’ve thought a lot about marriage and kindness lately. I sat talking with a friend right before I got married as she told me about her boyfriend she was pretty serious about. She said what she loved about him was that he wanted to go conquer the world and always was doing big things. I ask her if he was kind, she said he wasn’t mean but wasn’t super kind. She said that doing big things and always keeping her amazed by what he was doing was more important to her than a guy that was kind. She wanted someone who would captivate a room and could get everyone on board with his idea. I cautioned her that probably someday once she had a few kids that she’d care more about how kind he was than what big new thing he was doing. She thought about it and said maybe but she wasn’t sure and didn’t I used to want to marry a guy who wanted to get into politics and do big things and conquer the world. I said yes, but now my priorities for a guy had changed.
Now I’ve been married for a few months and a lot of unexpected things have happened. I can say now that more than ever I think one of the very most important character qualities in a guy when you think about marrying him is that he’s kind. When the house is a mess and you’re puking your guts out and have laid around half of the last 2 weeks sick with every kind of sickness and he’s kindly taken care of you and not complained… Somehow right now that means so much more to me than if he’s out doing some big huge thing and he’s super popular!
Never underestimate the quality of kindness. Life almost never goes quite as planned and if you have a kind person at your side it makes it SO very much better! I’d much prefer a man who captivated people with his kindness than grabbed the attention of every room he walked into. Somehow giving big elegant speeches seems lame when you see him get a cart for the person in aldi’s carrying around an overflowing box because they didn’t think they’d be grabbing that many groceries. Or kindly bend down and fix a toy for a toddler who’s favorite toy just broke. My husband may not be on billboards, but through kindness he’s etched on more people’s hearts than I could count.
Some people seem to think that being kind is being weak, but I actually think being kind is one of the strongest character qualities. It takes strength to still say a kind word even when you’re sad or disappointed or your expectations have not been met!
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” ~Ephesians 4:32
In life kindness makes everything a little sweeter, but for a good marriage, kindness is essential! If you’re looking for a spouse, look for someone that’s kind. If you want to have a good marriage someday, cultivate kindness. And if you’re married and want a sweet marriage, cultivate kindness.
“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”
“This morning my husband left for work.” That seems like the most normal sentence ever to come out of a ladies mouth. Some say it sounding frustrated and are annoyed how much their husband works. Some say it sadly wishing they couldn’t spend more time with their husband. Some say it gratefully glad they have a hard working husband to provide even though they miss them. And a few say it happily because they are glad he’s gone for the day and won’t bother them.
Since my life has been calming down in the last few weeks and not so insanely busy I’ve been hoping to get back to my long forsaken blog. It’s going to take a long post to catch you up on almost a year of my life. I’ve written multiple drafts but they only get half done and then I decide it’s not right. So maybe one of these days I’ll write down my catch up post, but until then I decided to break the silence and start posting again. Just a hint, on February 20th, 2016 I got a new last name! 🙂
This morning I was scrolling through Instagram looking at random pictures of cute babies, friends hanging out together, spring flowers and all the normal Instagram pictures. As I scrolled, I came across a quote. Naturally the quote loving person I am, I stopped to read it. I’m not even friends with the girl who posted it. I met her one time at an event and I’m not sure why I followed her, she normally just posts pictures of her and people I don’t know, but this post of hers caught my attention.
“Good Friday… Reminds us that the good is often painful; That God’s will for our lives demands that we love until it hurts.” ~Unknown.
I paused and read it again letting it sink it. And I’ve been reading it every few minutes all morning. It’s so very true and powerful.
When we think of good we often think of something happy and easy. We don’t often think of pain when we think of good. But good and pain almost always go hand in hand. We often are scared of pain and try to avoid it at all costs. But it’s the pain that often shapes and molds our character. It’s pain that squeezes us, and what’s really inside comes out. I have come to think that pain is the most powerful tool God uses to build our character and make us Christlike. I heard it once said the best person to minister to someone in great pain is someone who has experienced great pain. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that almost every single one, if not all of the great hymn writers, missionaries etc. experienced some very deep pain and sorrow in theirs lives. And God used that pain to make something beautiful out of their lives, no their lives weren’t easy, but they were beautiful. God uses pain to give us a compassion, a understanding, and a love for people that we could not otherwise have had.
Jesus came down from a perfect heaven to live as a man. To experience what we experience, to feel pain, to be tempted, to be tried, to live life in this very broken world. He experienced the most extreme pain anyone could and he was tempted like none of us have ever been tempted before. He knows our pain, He knows our sorrows, and He knows our temptations. He did it all not because we deserved it, but because of his incredible love for us.
I love the second part of the quote too – “God’s will for our lives demands that we love until it hurts.” So often we don’t fully love people to the potential we could because we’re afraid we’ll get hurt. And I’ll say it right now, if you love anyone or anything, you will experience pain. And you will never not experience pain until we no longer live in a sin broken world. But is pain really something we should avoid at all costs, is it really the thing we should dread most in life? True unconditional love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, suffers long and is kind. Every single Christian is commanded to love, without conditions, without selfish little clauses to save themselves from pain or rejection. The most powerful thing we can ever do is to love someone unconditionally with the love of Christ! To serve someone, be patient, be kind, even when they’re causing us pain, even when it hurts really bad.
To think, God has commanded us to love people unconditionally. Yes, even the mean ones, the ones that lie about the people we love, the ones that are rude to us, the ones that always look out for themselves, and the ones who hurt us the deepest. But in our own strength it’s impossible for us to love people like that in our own flesh. It’s impossible for us to truly unconditionally love our enemies or those who hurt us like Christ told us too. But He can give us the power to love unconditionally and let His unconditional love flow through us!
True, Christlike, unconditional love is bold, unconditional love is brave, unconditional love stands courageous and un-moving like a rock in the middle of a hurricane and will not budge no matter how much pain the one being loved throws back at the one loving. Love is not fuzzy feelings and heart flutters, love is bold, love is fierce and love is brave when everything else backs down and runs for safety from pain, love doesn’t! Unconditional love never stops giving and unconditional love never ends.
“Good Friday… Reminds us that the good is often painful; That God’s will for our lives demands that we love until it hurts.” ~Unknown.
May we ask Christ to give us that kind of Christlike unconditional love.
|The other week I was driving home from work–the time when I have an hour to my thoughts to just think, think, and for a change of pace, think some more. 🙂 I started pondering life, people, relationships, and pain…how they are all somehow woven together in such a complicated way! I started thinking of some of the things that have hurt me the very most. No, it wasn’t when someone hurt me deeply or when I ran a 5K race trying to beat my PR while I had the stomach flu. It was when I knew that something I had to do was going to cause someone else very much pain. It’s a terrible feeling and sometimes you wish so bad you could just take their spot so they wouldn’t have to go through it. Sometimes knowing something you have to do will cause pain is the very worst pain of all!