5 Years

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Today marks 5 years that have marched on since losing my mom.
5 years that have held lots of hard and beautiful times all mixed together, an ever growing sense of what a huge role a mom plays in your life, and how hard it can be when sorting through things when she’s no long there to talk to.
I’ve been asked before by people why God didn’t heal my mom and answer our prayers in the way we wanted. And often I’ve wondered the same myself, but I chose to trust that He knows better than I do, and take His promise to work all thing together for good to the bank! Lately I’ve mused on that a lot!

There were other dear people we knew that were sick with cancer also during that time, and God chose to heal them and it was beautiful and glorious! But He didn’t heal my mom physically. She died. Cancer slowly chocked out her life in the most painful and awful kind of way! Ultimately, she was healed perfectly in heaven and no longer suffers pain, but why didn’t God reach down from heaven and take her cancer away?  I’m not God, so I can’t answer for Him… But the more I’ve thought about it lately, the more I think I might understand a glimpse into what heaven could see ahead at the time, and I couldn’t.

I used to think that when God answered our prayers miraculously for healing in someone’s life, especially physically from a disease, that was the greatest and most dramatic display of God’s power, glory and faithfulness.  But what if it isn’t?! What if the way she died was actually a much larger display of God’s glory and faithfulness than if there had been a miracle and healing?

I think that staying faithful to God in horrific pain and suffering, and letting God still use you to battle in prayer for people in desperate need while you’re laying on your death bed, is actually a much greater miracle. To still give and love and serve others at a time when you can hardly even physically stand up or get out of bed is a much greater miracle!

My mom did not die without a miracle, she had a beautiful and glorious miracle of God pouring love through her life to others all the way to her very last breath!
How can it be that witnessing her dying inspire me, and so many others, to LIVE so much more fully?! Maybe because my mom did get a bigger, more amazing miracle… No not the kind we hoped for, but one much bigger!

I miss you more than words can say, Mama! Thanks for loving God and others with every fiber of your being, and for finishing strong! I’m sitting on your bench right now and wish more than anything that I could give you a huge hug and a kiss… You really were the best! 😘

 

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